Paging Dr. Oz…

Everything must be taken into account. If the fact will not fit the theory—let the theory go. ― Agatha Christie

“Paging Dr. Oz. Dr. Oz to the ER, stat.”

Nurse, what’s wrong?

Doctor, thank goodness you’re here. One of your patients is doing very poorly.

Oh no! Which one?

Lipid H. Po. Thesis


I’m afraid so, doctor.

What could have happened? She was healthy just yesterday!

It seems she has a terrible infection. It looks like a logic bug, with experiential complications.

I never thought this could happen, nurse.

No one did, doctor.

Do we know the agent of infection?

I’m afraid so. It seems Lipid H. Po. Thesis was deliberately infected.

Impossible! Who could be so heartless?

Well, a review of security cameras revealed a possible crazy woman attacking Lipid. She started raving about a lifetime of being fat and unhealthy; seemed to blame it on Lipid; something about murdering steaks, cheeses, bacon, and sour cream. Then she starts screaming about how Lipid put whole wheat pasta and granola in power; accused them of genocide, causing her fatty liver, gallstones, arthritis. All kinds of nonsense.

Wow, she does sound crazy. I’ll bet she even said whole grains aren’t that filling.

Oh, she was clearly insane, doctor. She was praising lard. Actually credited cream cheese with saving her life.

We must do something to save this patient. If Lipid dies, General Mills won’t be able to support my show with cereal coupon giveaways anymore. And how can my friends the faith healers survive without enough sick people to heal?


Oh, what I meant was millions of people will get heart disease, cancer, diabetes, and fatness by eating fat. We’ve worked so hard to convince people to avoid fat and eat plenty of whole grains. Think of the carnage!

I can hardly bear to think of the horror if more people were eating bacon, Dr. Oz! But I wonder, since we’ve been so successful at getting everyone to eat whole wheat toast and margarine, are there even a million people left in the world who don’t have cancer, heart disease, diabetes, or fatness?

Oh sure! There’s still some South Pacific Island cultures and some jungle dwellers in South America and Africa that don’t have too much of that yet. We’ve been trying to reach them about the incredible dangers of their high fat, meat and coconut diets for years, but they just don’t seem to listen. But I have a dream: a dream that one day the entire world will, as one, subsist primarily on whole wheat, beans, and soy.

What a day of rejoicing that shall be.

We can’t live the dream till Lipid recovers though. I’d better get to work.

But doctor! The patient is over here!

I know nurse; but real work with patients is no substitute for the intense labor of promoting hypotheses as facts. Without money from the Grain Growers of America, how can I spread the word?

Godspeed, Dr. Oz.


Ok, ok, I know that Dr. Oz isn’t this cold-hearted. He does, I believe, really care about health and genuinely wants to help people. The fact that Big Agriculture supports him all the way is probably just an aside.

But he’s part of a larger problem: doctors, scientists, nutritionists, and government officials refusing to invest in the hard work necessary to prove the lipid hypothesis, and, even worse, ignoring or squashing any evidence that suggests it might be wrong.

That’s unscientific and dishonest.

For my birthday this weekend, I crammed myself full of fat. I ate gobs of roast beef, sour cream, blue cheese, whipping cream, heavy cream, cream cheese, dark chocolate, cherries, vegetables, cheddar cheese, peanut butter, butter, and coconut oil.

Was it a health meal? No. I ate too many cherries and chocolate, and on a normal day I wouldn’t really eat peanut butter with all that sugar and legumes and seed oils. I also don’t eat that much dairy (except butter), as delicious as I find it.

But the next morning when I stepped on the scale, I was smaller.

Not just smaller than the day before. Weight fluctuates all the time. This was the smallest reading I’d ever gotten in my adult life.

The next day another friend wanted to take me out to a fancy buffet at a 5-star hotel in town, to thank me for helping her move. So that day I consumed more gobs of roast beef, ribs, suckling pig, lobsters, crab legs, sausages, mussels, turkey, lamb chops, various fancy cheeses, crab cakes, fudge, lemongrass and pepper salami, olives and feta, all kinds of mousse and creams and other fatty but grain-free desserts.

There was definitely a sugar crash after they brought over the plate with the seven kinds of homemade chocolate bars, and I was way too full for the Eggs Benedict, even if I liked eggs.

It was pretty filling, but in the evening I still had some butter, coconut oil, a little cheese and finished off the peanut butter, cream cheese, pure cream, whipping cream, butter, coconut and dark chocolate birthday pie creation with some friends.

Maybe a few more cherries.

In the leftover chocolate whipped cream.

And this morning?

Smaller again.

So what’s going on? Well the honest answer is I can’t tell you for sure. Some people seem to think that shaking up their food routine every once in a while–eating some things they don’t normally eat–just kick starts them into losing weight. (So long as it doesn’t become a regular habit.) Or perhaps it was the fat. Fat was certainly a key feature of both meals, and despite the fact that I normally do eat a pretty high-fat diet, I consumed more fat over the weekend than normal.

I’ve occasionally been to buffets before, back when I was a glucose burner, and I didn’t eat as much this time as I used to. When you don’t stimulate your appetite with grains or other high carb foods before and during the meal, you honestly can’t eat as much as it sounds like. Even though we were there nearly three hours, I didn’t find myself ready to go back 45 minutes after I first finished. The people around us, though, were eating, then resting for a half hour, then loading up again. Fat is naturally limiting when you don’t have insulin rushes telling you your cells aren’t getting fuel and you need to eat.

So whatever else is going on, one thing logic and experience can tell you: the lipid hypothesis has got serious issues.

Oh, and Dr. Oz’s crazy woman? Yes, frankly, I AM a bit tense about a lifetime of being fat and sick while eating all the stuff lipid hypothesis disciples told me I should: fruit and smoothies, tasteless vegetables without fatty dressings, chemically extracted seed oils, low fat everything, and tons of whole grains.

Steak and cheese and butter and bacon and coconut oil and sour cream and lard are making me smaller, clearing up my fatty liver, put an end to gallstones, made arthritis better, lowered my blood pressure and shot my HDL up and my triglycerides down. Maybe it’s a bit harsh to call whole grain cereals genocidal–but promoted and eaten in the extravagant quantities they are, and especially when combined with refined sugars and chemical oils, they’re killing my whole country.

I’m not going to eat like this weekend again anytime soon. But it’s not the fat I’ll be avoiding, or the red meats. It’s the sugar in the desserts.


Plato says he’s hungry

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