Ask Fatty Felicity III

Back by popular demand, it’s Ask Fatty Felicity, the write-in column where you get to ask all your burning questions about Fat, Diet, and the Meaning of Life!

Let’s get right to today’s burning questions:

Dear Fatty Felicity,

I thought you were going to do a post on vegetarianism?

—Bernard Blackmantle

I thought I was too, Bernard, but then I got ill. I’m too tired to do all the research just now. But I’ll tell you what is very interesting: I want desperately to eat sugar. I don’t usually crave it, but since I started falling ill I suddenly can barely keep away from these chocolate-covered almonds I was given for Christmas.

What’s going on? Carbohydrates are super easy to digest and provide nearly instant energy. When you’re fighting something, your immune system is anxious for all the energy it can possibly get for what it quite rightly views as an emergency situation. It can’t really be bothered waiting around.

Of course, sugar is not what I need to be eating; but some bland starch is probably a good idea. Or possibly those nuts. Excuse me while I go get them.

Hi Fatty Felicity. What do you think about Veganuary?

-The Flying Dutchman

Well, Dutchman, if we were living in a dystopian YA novel, I would consider the concept of Veganuary to be an immature writer’s attempt to make the grimmest month of the twelve sound even more disheartening, for emotional manipulation and a cheap plot trick.

Spindle Tannercreek had heard that Christmas (or was it Xmas? Or perhaps Kwanza? It was very difficult to know about things when they happened so very long ago, and the names were muddled in her head) had once been a time of joy, laughter, feasting, and fellowship. Yet this was so long ago that none could remember; not even The Aged Ones who kept watch over the Function Swards from their Daremarks high above.

What must it have been like to know light and warmth in the frozen time? Since the rise of the The Benevolence there had been no break from labor in the Function Swards except the ones regularly scheduled once every fifteen days. The only exception was the Day of Celebration, when all were given an extra ration and time off to remember when The Benevolence had wrested power from the Lords Dyad and freed Pneumania from their oppression.

At least, this is what they had all been taught as children. There were a few who, in hushed, secretive whispers, spoke of the The Benevolence as oppressors and despots who had murdered the good Lords Dyad; but once again the event was so long ago that it was impossible for any living to say what was the truth of it.

In the darkness of the second moon of the frozen time, The Benevolence had made a food decree. They said it was a revelation of The Way and all must follow it. It was known as The Way of Veganuary, and it was the time that Spindle hated the most. At the best of times, those who labored in the Function Swards had precious little meat to eat; but during the whole of the second moon of the frozen time none could eat of the meat nor or the milk of the animals. This, The Benevolence decreed, was for their faith and patience, and for the good of all Pneumania.

If you’ve not heard, Veganuary is a “thing” primarily in the UK, though it is gaining speed here in the United States, as well. You simply give up all animal products–like meats, fats, and dairy–just as you’re feeling particular depressed by the end of the holiday season and the long dark of winter. If you’re British, this is especially jolly coming as it does during Dry January, when you’re also giving up all alcohol.

What a treat.

Diets low in fat, and particularly saturated fat such as animals tend to produce, are closely associated with depression. Now association isn’t causation, as we all ought to know by now, but there is a possible mechanism to explain this. Most of your hormonal production system relies on saturated fat. Deny your hormones the right building blocks, and your seasonal affective disorder is liable to get far worse.

Not to mention that meat is delicious and January is cold and dark.

Fatty Felicity, #metoo is all the rage, and some powerful Hollywood women are bravely standing up to systemic sexual harassment by donated enormous amounts of money that they’ve had for decades and wearing black to red carpet events to raise #awareness; and what I want to know is why Meryl Streep couldn’t be bothered to do that years ago?

-Grey Rhimes

Hard to say, ain’t it? The important thing now, though, is that we all celebrate the bravery of these wealthy and powerful Hollywood starlets standing against #Badthings now that it is the cause de jour and so perfectly safe to do so.

Speaking of bravery, the wealthy and powerful men of Hollywood–at least the ones who haven’t yet been caught–have announced they shall stand with the women against all #Badthings. In an act of reckless virtue signaling fearlessness, they too will be wearing black to all the toniest red carpet events this season.

Men wearing black tie and coat to formal black tie and coat events is sure to make an impression that sexual harassers and predators won’t soon forget.

Well, that’s all for today, folks! Join us next time to feast on the incisive wisdom of Fatty Felicity! If you have a burning question for Fatty Felicity, feel free to leave it in the comments.


Plato says he’s hungry

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