by Mithon Gwilwilethon
Shock and sorrow rocked the public yesterday as Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission biologists confirmed that an elderly, obese, red-clad elf found in the Everglades on the afternoon of December 25 was indeed Santa Claus. Officials had been working to make a confirmation since the body was found by Travis Booth, who lives on the edge of the Everglades.
“Soon as I seen it I knowed it was him,” said Mr. Booth in an interview with ABC News. “I’s sitting on the porch drinking eggnog on Christmas Eve, see, and I sees this flash ‘a light in the sky. I figures that’s the big man, so I screams at the kids to git to bed or they won’t get nothin’ for Christmas. Few minutes later I hears a big splat. Didn’t mean nothin’ to me, so’s I just goes to sleep. After I finished the nog, a’ course.”
Mr. Booth was shocked the next morning to find nothing under the tree or in his children’s stockings.
“I was countin’ hard on the Big Man, you know? It’s been a tough year for us. Slots ain’t been my friend a t’all, right? I mean, what ken a parent do iffin’ Santa don’t come?”
As Booth’s children sniffled in the background, he went on to explain that only after finding no presents did he begin to wonder about the flash and splat he had heard during the night. Mr. Booth took his hounds with him and came across the large elf only an hour later.
The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission was initially reluctant to make any statement regarding the identity of the victim, but as time passed rumors became impossible to control. Biologists were called in to make a positive identification as well as to determine the cause of death.
In a public announcement televised worldwide, commission representative Jeff Grinch explained their findings:
“I regret to announce that there can be no doubt as to the identity of the body. The unusual size, facial hair patterns, and clothing were our first clues. The scene also contained a number of wrapped gifts that appear to have been dropped from a great height. And of course when our tests showed the victim was 317 years old, that was the last piece of the puzzle.”
According to the experts, Mr. Claus appears to have died from several burst blood vessels.
“You wouldn’t believe how distended his arteries were. Just incredible. We’ve consulted with a number of doctors and believe it likely that Mr. Claus consumed far too many cookies over an extremely short period of time. Our backtrack investigation revealed that 78% of homes were putting out low-fat or skim milk with their cookies this year. Also, we discovered that 23% of homes put out special low-fat cookies, and another 12% used Crisco or margarine to make their cookies. We think all these things were factors allowing Mr. Claus’s blood sugar to rise so precipitously that his arteries distended and burst in several places, whereupon he fell from his sleigh. Most likely he was dead before he hit the ground.”
A number of Florida families were quick to explain that they only keep low-fat or skim milk on hand anymore in obedience to directives from Michelle Obama and the National Health Administration.
“I would have put out fresh milk with the cream on top like my momma did,” said one mother of three. “But there just isn’t any to be had anymore. Last year they stopped serving regular milk at the school. It was hard, because Trina didn’t like the new 2% stuff. I had to get her the strawberry flavored so she’d drink it. Then last month the school sent back Trina’s lunch and fined me. They said she couldn’t eat the fried chicken and beans I packed for her because there was no bread in it and too much fat. They gave her some tinned fruit in sugar syrup, chicken nuggets, and a couple slices of bread instead. I just don’t want to get in trouble with them anymore, so I don’t even keep unhealthy stuff like milk in the house anymore.”
However some experts disagreed with the given cause of death.
“I think we all know what happened here,” said Dr. Mehmet Oz, host of a popular television show and activist for better health. “Obviously Mr. Claus was obese. That’s so unhealthy and such a bad example. Obviously he didn’t exercise and he ate too much fat. In this case I’d guess that it was fatty food spasms that killed him. He ate some fat and that caused plaques, which then ruptured when he ate more fat. This is a warning to us all about the dangers of obesity and fat.”
Plato says he’s hungry
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